Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Open Diary: You Think You Know But You Have No Idea

I was encouraged to write a blog talking about the things that are currently going on in my life, the struggle I face in pursuit of my dreams and my everyday happenings. After hearing the idea I knew it was a great concept but I was terrified to say the least. As I always say, I'm not one to get too personal and expose my life to the outside world. Not because I don't want to expose my flaws but the sense of vunerability is a bit uncomfortable and vunerable is not something I just do. Although my stomach is turning as I type.. I know this will be a great read sooooo HERE WE GO!

Everyday I fight. I fight to be recognized, acknowledged and thought of. I'm a model and I'm great at what I do but I haven't found the right person/people to propel myself to the next level. There is nothing more disheartening then knowing you possess talent and the world seems to be blinded to it. 4-5 days a week I put on my T-Mobile shirt to sell and troubleshoot phones for customers but while I'm helping them all I can think is "Damn this is not my dream.. While I'm helping them I could be in NY going to agencies and getting my name out there!" Don't get me wrong.. I thank God for my job and all it has provided me with BUT this is not the life for me. I'm not meant to work here for the rest of my life.. that's just not in my cards. Everytime I visit New York City I feel as though someone has returned the breath to my body and a great fire has been lit inside of me.

With the daydreaming of being on the covers of magazines, starring in major motion pictures and envisioning myself on the Victoria's Secret Runway I am faced with my reality. I am a 24 year old college graduate working in a field that has NOTHING to do with my degree and I am tired of watching others obtain "success". I don't have the time to sit at my computer and promote myself all day and I don't have the extra money to pay someone else to do it. It can be a bit frustrating watching others living my dream although I know I'm here for a reason.

Growing up adults would always say "Stay young forever" and I would respond "Nope.. I can't wait til' I'm grown!" but not I wish I could go back to the days where I had no cares. No responsibilites. No student loans. No car payments. No rent. No drama... just fun, the 3 ft. pool in the back yard and Now and Laters lol. I don't regret any of the decisions I've made in my past because they've made me the mature adult I have (by the grace of God) turned out to be. In spite of my struggles and everyday battles to get out of the bed and do the very things I don't want to do until I get to where I can do the things I want to... I remain happy.

To anyone with a dream.. keep going. You never know how close you are. Listen to the voice of God.. it won't lead you astray. Keep me in your prayers and I will definitely keep you in mines! Oh and do me a favor.. if you see me promoting myself help a sista out and tell your friends because I can't do this alone lol!


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

There's Only One You... Everyone Else is Taken.

Lately I've noticed the amount of young ladies gravitating towards looking like what tv says is "hot". When I say "hot" I'm referring to the girls in music videos, on reality tv shows, and the demeaning lyrics in the music we hear everyday.

Through life I have always been the girl who marches to the beat of her own drum. To me there is nothing like paving my own path for others to recognize there are other ways to accomplish things. We all have our moments of losing sight of individuality. One day I started to notice the way guys drooled over girls in the limelight and I wanted to see what that was like. I tried my best to look like the girls on tv so guys would find me attractive that didn't last long because I looked so out of place. In high school I was excited to go to a club because I was 17 "and grown" so I put on these extremely short shorts and a shirt that exposed every bit of my bra and stomach and you couldn't tell me I wasn't cute! That night I ran into a guy who I really liked and he was flirting with me so you know I was hype! Long story short he asked if I wanted to go home with him after telling him I wasn't that kind of girl he said "Well that's not the message you're sending with that outfit." I will NEVER forget those words because that was the moment I realized I wasn't representing who I am as a person. I'm not saying you have to cover up like a nun but there is a way to look sexy as a lady and sexy as the girl you want to take home.

Too many girls make the mistake I made that night trying to get guys to like them based on their body. Often we hear guys talk about how fat a girls butt is or how nice her boobs look and for some reason that sends off a signal to our brain that says "I have to be that". As I sit here today I wish someone would have given me this quote: Be yourself... Everyone else is already taken - Oscar Wilde. We live in an era where girls want to be the Nicki Minaj's, Snooki's, or Lady Gaga's of the world but they already exist. No matter how goofy, crazy, loud, weird, book loving, or awkward you may be YOU ARE SPECIAL. You were created to bring the light you have to this world, not try to shine like someone else. There will always be beautiful women in entertainment and guys will always love to look at them but trust me.. those beautiful women don't wake up red carpet ready lol. They get out of bed, brush their teeth and put one pant leg on at a time just like you. You are worth so much and should never give it away just to be accepted or seen as beautiful. Love yourself more than anyone else can and always stay true to the real you.

Until next time :)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Open Diary: A must read.

I don't know how long its been but I've been in a funk for way too long. It feels like weeks, maybe months since I've been able to really appreciate my life for what it is. Over a period of time I became the person who was more focused on what I couldn't obtain than the plethora of accomplishments I have.

As I reflect on my feelings of yesterday (literally yesterday) I can say I'm happy I've decided to take my life back. For those who know me (or follow me on Twitter) you know that I have been having car trouble. Long story short my car needs a new motor and I'm not in the position to pay for that. For the past 2 months I have been contemplating how I afford to pay for it and have been caught in the whirlwind of  'to buy a new car or not to buy a new car'. Worried about what I don't have I didn't stop and see that I'm still blessed because my boyfriend has allowed me to use his car until I situate myself. Here I am sooo concerned about what I need to do next that I didn't even see that I if it wasn't for him I would be walking everywhere.

You see... we all have our troubles, our times where we want to quit and our times where the world can seem so big and we're so small. It's easy to be captivated by the have nots and wants in our lives. Although I've had my share of let downs this past year I had to reflect on the many things I've accomplished. I have my own place, I've made a name for myself with my modeling career and I've done it all on my own. There are very few people who can say that they've done so much for themselves in so little time. Of course there's always more work to be done but if you don't take the time to say "Self, you've done well!" You'll spend life being miserable.

For a while now I've had the feeling as though I was floating through life. No real destination, no concept of time and an urgency to get through the week before I make it through the day. This is NO way to live. Today I decided that this way of living will never be good enough for me. I will no longer subject myself to being unhappy when I have SO  much to celebrate. I am surrounded by people who love me, I have a job that provides for my life and most of all I have my health. I refuse to not celebrate the things that God has blessed me with any longer. I encourage every individual reading this to rearrange your thinking and start smelling the roses. Don't allow yourself to be consumed with the things you cannot achieve and what you don't have. Enable yourself to look around you and see the beauty in the life you lead. There are people who don't have food, family, friends, a place to live, clothes amongst MANY other things and would switch places with you in a heart beat! If there is anything to take from my story it is to cherish the things you possess and pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments. Refrain from be too hard on yourself. Life is too short to be focused on woulda, coulda, shoulda's. Most importantly never forget to put God first... in the midst of the storm there isn't anyone who will keep you grounded like the lord.

I love you all and stay encouraged.