Saturday, December 19, 2015

I Thought That God Forgot About Me

2015 has been the most trying year of my life. I have had some major losses and hard times in the past year. I have felt my lowest of low, lost friends, lost myself and struggled with my spirituality. Don't get me wrong.. I am blessed. I woke up everyday with air in my lungs and a job to go to but it seemed like everything that could go wrong, did.

This post is not for pity. It's for progress. It's for the person who felt most like me in my time of need and for the person who may feel like there's not way out.

Being raised as a Christian teaches you faith and believing that even when things get tough you will overcome. I can't tell you how many Sunday School, Bible Studies, and Vacation Bible Schools I've attended through the years because I've surely lost count. I can't explain how many bible verses and children's church songs I can recite after you say one single phrase. I'm also not sure how many words of encouragement that I selflessly have shared with others when they were in need just because the Lord placed it on my heart. With all of these things y'all.. the knowledge, the foundation and the urge to share a message to someone, somehow they were nowhere to be found when I needed the most.

Due to working retail I was forced into working on Sundays. At first it didn't take an affect on me because I still had my joy. After weeks became months and I hadn't gone to church things started to change. It's as if I was on the same radio frequency listening to my favorite DJ and all of a sudden I started to drive outside of the coverage area. The static started to creep in. At this point I could hear what he was saying still but the strength in the voice started to fade away. The longer I continued to be absent from fellowship, the less I read my word and the more anxious I became. (I won't go into the anxiety and depression too much because I'll be releasing a video about it very soon.) This is where life became the toughest. Not only was I physically on my own (remember I have 2 friends here, literally) I also was spiritually disconnected. And THAT my friend is a recipe for disaster for a person like me. I feed off of the energy of others. Good or positive and receiving no energy left me down and drained.

As time passed I would pray but my prayers felt unanswered. It felt as if Jesus had disconnected the mainline (told you about those church songs I can recite on cue). I felt lost. I felt abandoned. The words of encouragement from friends and family fell on deaf ears. I could no longer hear. I could no longer see. I could no longer understand why I was in this dark place and how God decided to leave me here. All lessons in life are in preparation for what's to come in the future and I will tell you I know exactly when God was trying to prepare me for this loneliness BUT it affected me way more than I anticipated.

Looking in hindsight I realize these things:

1. God will never leave nor forsake you. When I was feeling lonely and he couldn't get through to me I had a few people that he sent to me specifically to aide me in my time of need. Fiamma (all the way in California), Kristin (friend #1), Garvin (friend #2.. G you're not #2 in my life I just named you second so get out of your feelings), Ky (my day 1), Ashley (although she didn't know it) and my guardian angel Andres. These are the people who helped me the most during my trying time. I can never repay them for helping me carry my cross. Even when I was down they still believed in me.

2. You have to make time for the Lord. After I was denied Sundays off I found a loop hole.. I requested off every other Sunday. Not a single soul could complain because I was helping them meet the needs of the business and meeting the need of my soul. I requested a daily verse from my bible app and of course I talked to God even when I felt he couldn't hear me.

3. We're not in control. You think that you can force things, you think that you can change the direction of the tide but if you change those thoughts and go with the wind while you continue to do everything that you can in the midst of the storm you'll have your foundation built when the sun shines again. Somebody help me I'm preaching!

4. LET IT GO. You have to give all your worries to God. Cast all your cares upon him for he cares for you (Another 1, In my DJ Khaled Voice). Do not worry about the things you can't control. That's life. Things won't always go your way but those things that are too much for you God is bigger than. Let him take away the worry and you keep fighting.

5. Wake up and smell the roses!! I almost missed my year. I almost missed all the blessings. I went on vacation... TWICE! Miami and Dubai. I rode a freaking camel people!! I was published in a 3 page spread in The NY Daily News (like what?!?!) I met Jaleel White.. like forreal Stefan Urkel was supposed to be my man. I'm modeling for a company who's racks I would shop at my local mall growing up. I mean I am blessed. I live in New York freaking City and I'm alive. I'm not homeless. I'm not hungry. I'm not naked. I'm blessed. I have a job for one of the biggest american designers at the moment. #blessed

Count your blessings. You will get through. Trouble don't last always. Every storm leads to a rainbow.. never give up. Never lose sight of the dream. You will steer of course sometimes but you've got what it takes to get back on track.

It feels SO good to be back!!!!!