Thursday, March 26, 2015


A condition that more and more people are suffering from on a daily basis. Symptoms include but are not limited to: Deleting a picture/video after it does not reach a certain amount of likes. Posting pictures/videos that you know will elicit "thirsty" behavior i.e. half naked photos, eggplant Friday worthy material, etc. Refraining from posting a photo that wasn't taken in the perfect lighting and with perfect makeup. Trying to befriend people who have a huge following in order to acquire more followers.

Instagram is a great social media platform that has allowed its users to connect and build an audience by one simple thing, imagery. It has opened the doors to many artists, poets, singers, actors, etc. to showcase their work and build their brand. Unfortunately, on the flipside Instagram has also created a complex for others. Let me explain...

You're out for the night with some of your best friends. You're taking pictures all night long enjoying yourselves. Everyone knows that you don't post pictures after midnight, unless you're Kim Kardashian, so you decide to wait until the morning so everyone can wake and see you having the time of your life! 9 am hits and it's time. After picking the perfect filter (Valencia, duh) your picture is officially posted. Let the likes roll in!!! 1.. 4...12...29... and then... it slows down. After an hour you only have 37 likes. Then the crazy thoughts begin ."Umm... is my Instagram broken? Are people still sleeping? I normally have 77 Likes by this time. Oh! I see what's happening... they're hating because I went out and had a good time and they were stuck in the house with their boring lives. Did I not contour correctly? Maybe my dress wasn't as cute as I thought it was." ...and the list continues.

The "likes" and "following" are driving us crazy people. If we don't have what we perceive as enough the thoughts of inadequacy start to creep in. Let's not mention the users who have turned into total divas after they build a following. They have 2,000+ followers and then booking information pops up in their bio, along with the word "model" yet they have no representation. But I digress.

One of the scariest parts of all of this is the kids. Children are using Instagram and viewing all kinds of imagery. I know it because I see the things that they feel are important. The young guys are posting  every angle of their Jordans, their money I mean allowance, and then the random photo of them blowing smoke into the camera. Which.. by the way is the dumbest thing ever. People. If I've NEVER said anything educated before in my life... here it goes... STOP POSTING PHOTOS OF YOUR WEED ON THE INTERNET. The police observe it and will use it against you in the court of law. You don't think you're that important until you have a knock at your door. And no, your page being private does NOT make you exempt lol.
Back on track... the young girls are scaring me as well. The influx of THOT behavior has taken over my timeline. Yes, it will get you likes. It's been proven time and time again.. without failure. The thirst is real enough to where people will like your half naked pictures, however once it's out there it's out there. There's no need for you to remove your clothing for gratification. Ha, I guess that's funny because I model lingerie and swimwear. But modeling is my career. If that's your career choice then by all means, but if you're supposed to be in your 2nd period class but you're in the school bathroom posting pictures in your bra we have to reevaluate some things.

Last but not least... the fitness/perfect body craze. We've all seen it. That guy with the perfect abs. The girl with the tiniest waist line and the booty that Sir Mix A Lot was talking about (if you don't know who Sir Mix A Lot is... just Google him youngin lol). Yes we all follow them. We know them. We go to the gym with their body in mind. Inspiration. Motivation. All is well until you find yourself constantly scrolling through their page asking "Why not me? Why can't I have those ____? I bet people would like me more if I looked like that." Then the self doubt starts to creep in. The self hate starts to manifest. Next thing you know you're unhappy with your body. Although you've busted your behind to look your best, it's just not good enough.
When I recognized that I was questioning myself in ways similar to these I knew it was time to limit my Instagram. I had to unfollow some people, except for Miguel's girlfriend..I'm not giving her up lol. Seriously though, some people had to go. I was given THIS body for a reason. It was meant for me and my job is to treat is as well as I can. I must love it because I won't be getting another body in this lifetime. I can't look at how much people love and adore one fitness person and compare my life to that. Honestly I'm not built to work out all day, everyday. I like food and I like to make time to eat it lol.

I say all this to say.... Love yourself. Treat yourself well. Take a break from Instagram from time to time. It's a highlight reel. Girls don't wake up with a full face of makeup on looking refreshed everyday and guys muscles don't glisten in the perfect light as they're stepping into the Lamborghini with their perfect woman everyday. We're all human beings. We all have flaws. You don't need the "Likes" to establish your worth. you'd be surprised how many people are paying attention to what your doing but just keep scrolling anyway. Go read a book at the park and bring yourself back to reality... maybe take a great photo after you're done lol.
Until Next time...

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Miss Understood

Before you read this please know that this was the hardest blog for me to write. It's honest. It's raw and it's still every much of what I'm dealing with. The judgement that can follow is a bit scary but I know that there's someone out there that can benefit from my story. There's someone who can use it and improve their situation or it may be the reason why someone doesn't give up. So... Here it is...

Growing up I have always been different from the crowd. There have been friends that have come along throughout the years who have made me feel "normal". People that you just connect with. People that understand you. People that can finish your sentence without explanation. Yes, I have been blessed to meet amazing friends along the way who could assist me in every single phase of my life.

Moving to NYC has been a journey and finding friends has been a difficult task to say the least. Now I know what your thinking, "You live in a city with millions of people and you can't find one friend?" New York City is full of people, bursting with energy and lots of opportunities.. this is true. However, New York City is a cold place. It forces individuals to build a wall in order to protect themselves from the cruel, dishonest and down right dirty situations and people that are encountered daily. So with that being said, no I haven't met a group of people that I feel completely understand me. I find that often when meeting people I am either perceived as fake because I'm nicer than most people or a little too forward because of the passive aggressive tone that most people have adopted.

I am different. I get it. But this has been very difficult. There has never been a time in my life when I couldn't find a safe haven. Growing up in a small town, going to a small HBCU and going back to my small town after graduating allowed me to be myself wholeheartedly. I was surrounded by like-minded people who could understand my thoughts. Who just got me. Of course there were the side eyes and haters along the way but nothing like what I'm experiencing now.

In ways I've become an introvert. I've become used to being by myself. Relying on myself. Most of my meaningful relationships are maintained through telephone conversations, which is great but it doesn't fill the void of having a group of friends that I can hang out with weekly or that I can call at the drop of a dime and have them meet up with me. After dealing with the awkward quietness that follows my comments in group convo's I've become very withdrawn. There's nothing more discouraging when trying to get to know new people than having them treat you as an outsider and blatantly show that they don't care about you being uncomfortable. After you add to the conversation and they stare at one another then continue to speak as if you're not standing there... That's crazy yo. I'm a woman with an opinion.. with wisdom and with a voice but it doesn't feel as though that's praised or appreciated. The general consensus seems to be "Let's all think alike." I would be okay with that hadn't my parents raised me to think differently. To follow the beat of my own drum. To dare to be different. To refuse to be a carbon copy. I can't spend my life being like everyone else. What makes me so special if I look, think and act like you? I hear the whispers when I walk in a room. I endured the months of cold shoulders after I spoke my mind in a meeting. I'm over it.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because I've met some beautiful people on my journey. Most of the models at Abercrombie helped maintain what little bit of sanity I had left during the time that I worked there. They made me laugh. They made me smile. They gave me hope that I could find someone who gets it. The frustrating part was that being their manager kept me from hanging out with them outside of work due to the no fraternizing policy. So when I would leave those doors I was alone again. Very few of the managers understood me. After vocalizing my opinions I had become the girl that was "hard to manage". Ha. Story of my life. I don't believe in sitting in bad situations and saying nothing because 'that's just the way it's been'. I'm sure I could've picked my battles a little better but I've never been the person who sits around and accepts less than what I deserve. I applaud people who climb the corporate ladder. But I won't do it being someone's bitch. The movers and the shakers of this world aren't the people who just deal with everything... they're the ones who step up and speak out.

Anywho... this is not a bash Abercrombie moment.. I don't have the time or the patience to type all of that out lol. I say all this to say, there are times when I'm lonely. There are times when I want to pack it all up and go home. But I don't. I stay and I fight. I cry. I wipe my tears. I keep going. Yes I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss being understood. But I have a purpose. This isn't just about me.

I don't want people to think I'm completely unhappy because I'm not. I enjoy this city. I enjoy all that it has to offer but it has taken me on a roller coaster. At times it felt like more valleys than hills but this is my story and I accept it. I love it and I learn from it. I'm not sure if I'm going to release this but... we'll see.