Thursday, February 17, 2011

Open Diary Entry: One of Those Days, I am Human

I've been thinking about writing a blog that was true to me and how I'm feeling, no holding back, no layers. I've learned that most people can identify with how you're feeling or what your going through. There are many times when we feel alone but don't recognize there are millions of people who have felt the same way you do. So here is me giving of myself... writing down my very feelings and praying that this can help someone else get through the same thing.

Lately I've been frustrated.
Frustrated with the pace of life, frustrated with watching other models, actors, and people in the entertainment industry do the very things I've been dreaming of since I could dream. I'm not jealous, I've very happy for them all... I just wish my life would unfold already. At night I sit and wonder what I could be doing differently, what can I do to gain exposure, who can I talk to to get a foot in the door. Every day I strive for my dream, even while I'm at work selling phones... I'm thinking about traveling the world, walking down runways and being in major films.

I hurt at times. I worry that I'm not good enough. I wonder if this is all something I have going on in my head that will never be reality. Some days I know in my heart of hearts that THIS is right, others I wonder how it could ever be. Yesterday I walked into Victoria's Secret and almost shed a tear as I looked at the posters of models in the very place I imagined myself. You see I'M HUNGRY. I've never wanted anything so much in my life. One day someone said to me "I've seen your modeling pictures. Are you serious about this or is this for show?" I wanted to scream... I wanted to yell all types of obscenities and ask them where the hell they've been. I don't do this for show, I could care less about the public showcase. THIS is about the feeling I get EVERY TIME I do what I love. The rush of adrenaline, the moment before I walk out and want to run the opposite direction and think "what have I gotten myself into?". The moment where I have to pee so bad because my nerves are a wreck. Then the last moment when I say " F@!k this, I have what it takes... now shut this thing DOWN " and kill it!

See... I'm human, I wonder if I'm good enough even when I know I am. I'm tired of waiting for the world to recognize my gifts, my talents, and what I possess. But I won't quit. I won't give up. I know this thing is deeper than me. I know that one day it will all happen. It's just a waiting game. If you ever feel like I do/did just remember... all storms come to an end to release the sunshine. Stay inspired and remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Desarée Franchon

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