Monday, July 6, 2015

Trouble don't last always: Open Diary

Why have I been missing? 
There is nothing more frustrating than writing a blog and constantly hearing the "thoughts" of others in your head. I experience this every time I write a post and there have been times where I could push through but for the most part I'm finding it very difficult. There comes a point where the voices of others speak louder than your own and frankly I'm over it. I'm tired of the self doubt. I'm tired of wondering if I'm going to offend someone. I'm tired of wondering if my words will be taken out of context. There's nothing more frustrating for a creative then boundaries and limitations but how do you beat them when they're coming out of your own mind?

This is one of my flaws. The fact that I can't drown out the voices kills me. It keeps me from being my true self. My true free spirit. Censorship and limitations get under my skin. There was a time where I could tune them out but honestly I haven't been doing what I need to to make that possible. What do I normally do.. let me explain.

Going to church is a big part of who I am. Not only because I was raised there but fellowship is something that makes me like at home. Being surrounded by likeminded individuals and being able to bounce ideas off of them makes things so much easier. I have found a church home but due to my busy schedule, making it to church on Sunday is nearly impossible. My prayer life is struggling and my lack of connection when it comes to friendships in NYC... well quite frankly I'm in a place I've never been before. Often lonely and shut off from the outside world my life has taken a turn in a direction I couldn't anticipate. Don't get me wrong.. I'm not miserable. I'm not depressed. I'm just an individual trying to figure out how to navigate a situation that doesn't suit my personality. I'm quiet at work. I'm pretty quiet at home. No real outlet for me to really express myself.. so in a way I've become a shell. Lol.. that didn't sound as depressing in my head. Sorry guys.. back to the point.
Having a relationship with God and being aligned with his purpose for my life is what I need to be on track. I'm working on that. Reading the Bible.. fellowshipping.. praying.. fasting (Lord only knows the last time I did that). Those are the things I need to do to get this thing back on track. Funny how we always know what we need to do but doing it is the hard part. Oh and I need to work out.. consistently. Yikes. My younger sister is a beast in the gym and I'm over here paying for a membership and I go every once in a while lol #fail.

I guess this blog was more of a therapy session more than anything. Thanks for reading.
I always pray that my posts help at least one person. There is someone out there going through the same thing I am and if I can give them some sort of clarity or make them feel like they're not alone then so be it. To whomever this may touch please know that you're not alone and this is a temporary state. Trouble don't last always.


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