Open Diary: Hello New York!!!

(Cuts on Jay-Z - Holy Grail)
It's been a while! Hello everyone! Much has changed. Living life in New York is very different and I'm definitely going through an adjustment period but I'm very happy that I'm here nonetheless.

Living in New Jersey my whole life has given me one perspective on this huge world that we live in. I haven't lived far from my family at any point in life so there have been many tears shed on my end lol. It's funny now but I had a few meltdowns because part of me knew that things were going to change drastically. I was going to see my family, friends and boyfriend a lot less and that scared the crap out of me. Everything I knew to be familiar was no longer going to be in immediate reach and that was pretty nerve wracking. BUT I'm here and in a few days I will be making my one month mark and I'm proud.

Although challenging there have been nothing but great things happening since I've gotten into New York. I've networked with a lot of people, booked a few jobs including runway shows for New York Fashion Week and being closer to the city has given me the ability to just get up and go to last minute things I couldn't while living in South Jersey. I haven't heard if I booked the job yet but I auditioned to be a model on Project Runway. That in itself is BIG compared to where I was a month ago. Prior to moving I was struggling to find paid work, couldn't find representation and I wasn't sure if I could do this anymore. Being caught in the vicious cycle of working a full-time job but trying to pursue a career was leaving me stressed, tired and missing many opportunities. God has truly looked me out since I made the decision to pursue modeling whole-heartedly. I thank him for giving me the strength to do the inevitable. It took a little longer than expected but as I look back I know I wasn't ready to move. Had I moved to New York by myself as I planned years ago I wouldn't have lasted long. There were many lessons I had to learn and people I had to meet in order to get to who I am now. As crazy as it feels typing this... all those crazy customers from The Sugarhouse Casino helped me build a SUPER thick skin and they taught me to let things roll off my shoulders. Everyone will have their thoughts and perceptions of you but all that matters is what you think of yourself. My co-workers also helped me come out of my shell. They play a big part in why I stopped making excuses and decided to go out and do a lot of the things that I always wanted to.

As I enter my next month here I'm super excited for all that's to come. I'm praying that I wasn't too real on this post but hey (Kanye shrug) who cares lol. Love you guys and stay inspired!!!

Desarée

Confessions of a Big Dreamer: The A'Man'dments: The Things We Wish Women Knew Ab...

Since I gave advice from the ladies to the men in '6 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew' here's the mans version giving insight to things they wish women knew!! Take a look!
Confessions of a Big Dreamer: The A'Man'dments: The Things We Wish Women Knew Ab...: "You might see me in the streets, but homie you don't KNOW...ME!" T.I., "You Don't Know Me" The quot...

6 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew...

Ladies... I'm sure we all can agree when we say that we would love for men to have a handbook on things they should and should not do when it comes to women. Unfortunately the many books that have been written cannot sum up everything without being the biggest book known to man. So, here I am to share 6 tips to all the guys out there that can help you with some things you may not have known or just can not understand when it comes to the ladies.

6. Sensitivity is great but I don't need you
       to be more sensitive than me.
There was a time I prayed to God and asked him for a list full of things that I wanted in a man, including sensitivity. I had previously encountered a really insensitive and emotionally unavailable guy who left me feeling empty and I just knew that a sensitive man was the answer. BOY was I wrong. I found "Mr. Sensitive" and he cried more than I did when we argued. I felt like I had to take the lead on everything and eventually came to the conclusion that he had higher estrogen levels than me. Gentlemen, I would like to tell you firsthand that no female wants to feel like she is "the man" or "more masculine" than you. Although we may test you and attempt to wear the pants, every woman appreciates a man who can be emotionally available but still be the captain when necessary. If something is bothering me or I'm having one of many meltdowns, a listening ear and advice is greatly appreciated. What a woman doesn't want in this situation is to break out the tissues for herself AND her man while she explains how someone upset her at work. So, although things may seem a bit overwhelming in an argument over the last bit of Cheetos, save the waterworks for a more serious matter.

5. Work as hard to keep me, as you did to get me.
Ladies enjoy being courted, plain and simple. Most men are smart enough to recognize this. Whether the intent is to pursue something more or just sleep with the female guys know they have to show some sort of interest  in order to reach their goal. Unfortunately, after time lapses we enter the place that can be referred to as 'the comfortable phase'. This is the time period when the flowers stop coming, the back rubs are few and far inbetween and Madden becomes more important than what she's explaining on the other end of the phone. As females we tend to reminisce on "the good times" and remember when you would call in the middle of the night to say 'I love you' or stop by her job because you need to see her OR when you posted pictures of me on Facebook because you NEEDED the world to know your girl is taken. These are the things that get a girl to fall head over heels for you and these are the things we never want to end. We understand that flowers all the time is far from realistic but don't forget to remind your lady that she's special. Treat her to a day at the spa, surprise her with dinner or do something corny make a collage of pictures of you two and give them to her.

4. Shoes, Handbags, Clothes, and Makeup:
       We have a lot.. SO WHAT!
Just like you are obsessed with your car, video games and whatever else you guys take great pride in... we feel the same about our shoes, clothes and everything else it takes to look great on a daily basis. Enough said.

3. If I'm Expected to Look Like Barbie, Be prepared to be Ken
Every girl wants to be perfect for her man. We enjoy getting dressed up on date nights just for you to show us off. The problem comes when women are expected to go to sleep and wake up looking like they stepped of the page of a magazine. Unfortunately the media bombards us with constant pictures of women who have huge boobs and butts from here to Zimbabwe but they fail to show the surgeries and glam squads that it took for those girls to look like that. SO I say this.. if everyday women are expected to look like Kim Kardashian pre-baby Kanye then we need our men to look just as great. I mean I should be able to wash my clothes on your abs and you better have the Ken Doll V (ladies know what I mean).

2. PDA. Please and Thank You.
Public Display of Affection is (in Jay-Z voice) So Necessary. The type of display is to be determined by the individuals involved but there is nothing better than showing the world you're crazy about the girl you're with. There may be a few remarks from the haters but hey who cares? I'm not sure where but I have come to the conclusion PDA is in the female DNA. Holding hands, quick pecks and of course forehead kisses mean the world. I'm not saying go full exhibitionist style and get freaky in the park with people watching (unless that's what you're into..no judgment lol) but don't be afraid to pat your girl on the butt in front of some strangers from time to time ;)

1. If I say 5 minutes, multiply that by 6.
(Giggle) Unfortunately a majority of women don't possess the gene to be ready on time. If a girl says she's a few minutes away or she'll be dressed in 5 minutes... be prepared to wait a little longer. It's not that we don't care about your time or where we have to be it's just that we want to look Perfect!! Now this rule can be applied across the board. Hair, makeup, driving.... oh and anything dealing with intimacy... ALWAYS multiply that by 6 lol.

Self Worth: You ARE Good Enough

As we embrace 2013 and move swiftly into the month of February I must say this year has started off on a great note. I have had the opportunity to work with photographers I only dreamed of in the beginning of my career and I also booked my first campaign (Thank you Lord!).

With all of the joy I have now I must say that 2012 was a very trying year. I experienced the greatest amount of change in such short periods of time last year. After my engine gave out on my Honda I had to purchase a new car, I moved back home, started a new job and started working towards my career on another level. Let's just say change isn't my friend so I was freaking out every so often because everything was out of my control. With all of the great new things that were coming into my life I still had the feeling that I didn't deserve them.
Please Hear me on this.. I was driving a car that I loved and always wanted but I couldn't accept the fact that it was mine. I walked into the dealership with NO money to put down and got approved to drive off the lot with no cosigner. I worked hard to pay my bills on time and keep my credit up to par yet I didn't feel like that car was meant to be mine. Part of me felt like once I got comfortable someone would come around and take it from me or something would go wrong because I don't have anything come to me easily. This was just one of many instances where I heard the voice in my head saying "You're not good enough... this is too good to be true.. you know something has to go wrong because this is too right." I did this to MYSELF and without knowing I sent my esteem down the path of "not good enough".

As I reflect on these moments I am not ashamed. I know that these things are what molds and shapes me to be the person I'm meant to be. I accept that I felt that way but that is the past. No longer will I continue to live in dismay and despair. I deserve nothing but happiness, prosperity, and the blessings that God has for me. My career is headed in a great direction and I am accomplishing things that I never thought I could.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Don't let that voice in the back of your mind convince you that you don't belong or you aren't entitled to great things! The moment you stop holding yourself back is the moment you start to live. You ARE good enough. You work hard, you sacrifice, you are giving, you are thoughtful... why shouldn't you reap the harvest of your labor??
I've declared 2013 as my year of Prosperity and Good Enough. I accept everything that is on its way to my life and I know that it's mine because I've worked for it! Start believing in yourself again! There is no one on earth more deserving than you!! There may be things that you have done that you are ashamed of or you feel disqualify you from anything good but know that those things are in the PAST. There is a time for redemption and that day is today! I'm not sure who I'm speaking to but please know that this is for YOU. Never give up and keep striving!!!

Desarée

A Brand New Kind of Me...

As I sit here and listen to 'Brand New Me' by Alicia Keys I'm just overwhelmed with emotion. The very first time I heard this song it spoke in volumes to me. Let me explain...

If you've been following my updates/posts these past few months you'll see that I have been working towards building my portfolio and getting signed to an agency. I don't know how else to explain this but people I found to be fimiliar in my past have become strangers recently. I'm learning that a lot of it is because, as they say, I'm "Different".  That word offended me and got under my skin in so many ways. I can't begin to calculate the amount of time spent trying to prove to people that I'm the same ol Desaree. Now I'm embrace different.

For those who I've met in the past few years they wouldn't know there was a time I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I wasn't very sure of who I was. I knew I possessed talent but it was hard to get people to see me through the glasses and my teeth pre-braces. I struggled to stay true to myself and still have friends. As a teenager I learned quickly that if you shine too bright around people who need to be the star in the room you become an outcast. On numerous occasions I would dumb myself down to maintain friendships and relationships. I don't feel badly because of this time because it was a deep lesson that I had to learn. Somewhere between the back roads of Cheyney, PA and I-295 I found myself as I drove back and forth from my alma mater. I stopped apologizing for who I am and who I'm meant to become.
The word different doesn't bother me anymore. I'd rather be different and memorable than to be the same and blend in. As I grow I'm glad I've grown from the little girl who used to argue and start a fight at the drop of a dime. She'll always be apart of me but there are BETTER parts of me. The intellectual. The lady. The geek. The weirdo. The talent. The everything.. the ME.

I can now be happy for my accomplishments and not be ashamed of my joy. Nothing has come to me without hard work and struggle. I am finally at a place in my life when I can say I feel closer to my dream and I'm the best me I can be. I'm a firm believer that everyone has the ability to reach their FULL potential but that can't be done by pulling others down or standing by watching everyone else accomplish goals. Get out there and FIGHT for what you want. I have no idea where this journey called life plans to take me but I can say I'm brave enough to find out. Stop letting moments pass you by where you don't stretch out to fulfill your dreams. Don't let life come and go without you knowing who YOU are. There are so many people in this world but you are the most important one out of them all. You are special. You are beautiful. You are GREAT. Stop letting others opinions of you stear you away from your dreams. Stop letting fear be your reason not to. Stop letting other people live your life for you! Anyone with a dream has been afraid at one point but they didn't let that stop them.

The word different doesn't bother me anymore. I'd rather be different and memorable than to be the same and blend in. As I grow I'm glad I've grown from the little girl who used to argue and start a fight at the drop of a dime. She'll always be apart of me but there are BETTER parts of me. The intellectual. The lady. The geek. The weirdo. The talent. The everything.. the ME.

These lyrics have the courage to say everything that I couldn't articulate at on point.

If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new kinda me
That ain't bad
I found a brand new kinda free

Ooh, it took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses
One to many lies
Don't be surprised, oh, said, you look surprised

The man outside the store...

Today was a bit tough and the customers at my job seemed to have recieved a memo that I wasn't in such a great mood. After being yelled at by not carrying extra beers, cokes and water I struggled to clear my mind. This week started off with someone stealing the last bit of money I had until I returned to work. I've been a little frustrated because I had plans for that money. Needless to say I was excited to head home, eat and climb into my most comfortable pj's.

 On my way home I decided that I wanted to stop at the store to pick up a few things. As I pulled up to the store I immediately spotted a man sitting on the ground right in front of my parking space. Initially I think "Ut oh I don't know if I want to park here because he's going to ask me for money I don't have to spare." As I exit my car and walk towards the store the man says nothing to me. I didn't think much of it but braced myself for him to ask for something when I returned. After my purchase I approach my car and the man plesantly says to me "Have a nice night sweetheart" and that's it. I responded "Thank you. You too!" and climbed in my car. Seconds later I hear a voice say "Desaree give him money. $5 to be exact" Although there isn't anyone in the car with me I look to my left and right and think "$5?!?!?... I'll give him one." The voice then says "No. Five." As I sat in the drivers seat contemplating what to give to this man I began to check myself. "Desaree it's ONLY $5 and you will feel terriible if you leave without helping this man out. You've made more than enough money at work today so get over yourself." I shake off my initial selfishness, open my car door and walk up to the man with the $5 extended to him. As I approach he stares at the bill in my hand confused and I say "Here" with a smile. He then slowly extends his hand and in a confused but elated tone he says "Thank you SO much." After I said "God bless you" and climbed back into my car I watched him stare at the $5 bill, look up to the sky and say "Thank you". This man looked at the money as if I had handed him $500 as opposed to $5. As I pulled off my eyes swelled up with tears and I immediately began to thank God. In that moment I realized what that man had given me was worth WAY more than that $5 bill could ever be. He reminded me that we were all placed on earth to help one another. Our society and culture has people so wrapped up in the every day hustle and bustle along with the desire to acquire as much as possible that we have forgotten about one another. The lord blesses us not only for our own personal gain but to also help one another. Although money was taken from me this week and I was stressing about it I'm glad I decided to step out of myself and remember what was most important. There are so many occasions where we walk past a person in need and act as if we don't see it. The only way to make this world better is stop ignoring each other and lend a helping hand. I have never felt so fulfilled like I did in that moment. I didn't see that man as a charity case but a person trying to make it just like me. We always forget that there are people who would die for the lives that we are living. That was definitely a wake up call. A reminder that this world is SO much bigger than me and my little problems. A reminder that I am blessed and I must also be a blessing unto others. I am having a hard time putting this event that lasted all of 7 minutes into words because the impact was so strong. If you are reading this PLEASE take time to be aware of the things and people around you. If you can give please do so. It doesn't have to be in the form of money, it can be your time, your ear, your laugh. Give  of yourself today so that your life isn't in vain. We were all placed on this earth to do something great and what's greater than helping another? Be mindful of the voice of God. When you hear it, move. It took me a bit (the lord isn't done with me yet) but once I recognized he was speaking to me I did as I was told. Moments like that will happen every so often  and they are a simple test to see what you are going to do. The lord will test you time and time again. If you don't listen you may end up blocking your blessings. Please take time to listen. Until next time...
Desaree